In the home page intro—at the launch of my website NUITH | NEWEARTH – I have written: When we collectively find the courage to descend into our emotional depth and vulnerability, and engage in direct honest interchange, only then do we experience the rich exchange of the heart that dissolves the boundaries of the ego—boundaries that serve only to keep us apart. Let’s dive deeper into this.

WOMAN IN PAIN | ART BY NANNE TIGGELMAN

To be fully immersed in the human experience is to be emotional. Think about a story that you recently told to a friend or loved one. What emotion were you feeling that made that story worth sharing. Was it anger, frustration, sadness, joy, surprise, rapture, eagerness, hope, regret, or fright? Our life is defined by the rich tapestry of emotions that we feel. Human experience is an emotional experience.

And yet—in no small part due to social media platforms—many of us have embodied the narrative that only perfection is lovable; that only happy, funny, caring, delightful, beautiful, sexy, hope filled, life-of-the-party posts and profiles get “likes”. If you want to risk getting your posts unfollowed, or even worse getting unfriended, then run a six-month campaign of unhappy, depressed, insecure, and angry posts and watch how quickly your responses decline.

Emotions are not only the foundation that our stories are built on, but they are also keys to our personal growth and enlightenment. They teach us when we are balanced and harmonious and when we are not. They give us directions on what needs attention and how urgently. According to the Centre for Applied Transformation, “A foundational component of self-awareness is your ability to feel and to put a name to your current emotional state. This mental activity connects the physiological sensations arising from your body and organs to your cognitive processes. This practice integrates the neurons in your body with the neurons of your brain and higher nervous system. This connection between body and brain is what it means to be ’embodied’; it is also a foundational part of ‘being present’ and ‘mindfulness’.”

MAN SCREAMING | ART BY NANNE TIGGELMAN

Emotions define our existence, yet many of us have not developed our emotional acuity enough to be able to sit through an uncomfortable conversation, genuinely listen, be present, be honest, and be mindful. Take the following scenario:

I am having lunch with a close friend. I share my excitement about an upcoming vacation, or a project that I am working on, and what it means to me. His reaction is not what I expect; in fact, I can feel his energetic body contract as he struggles with an internal dialogue that I am not privy to hearing. He asks me a few questions that seem to be loaded with judgement and fear, rather than the support and joy I had anticipated.

 I quickly change the subject; but our dialogue is strained and uncomfortable for a while. Later, when I am alone with my thoughts, I start making all kinds of assumptions about why my friend said what he said, what he meant by what he said, and why he felt the way he did. I may even start having arguments with myself in my defense, or worse, being angry because this seems to be a repeating pattern in our relationship; maybe it’s time to cut ties and move on. 

 Eventually the emotional weight of the situation diminishes; but I never follow up with my friend to ask why he reacted to my story the way he did. The next time I get together with him I am guarded in our conversation.

 The story I have illustrated above is made up. If we change the details of the situation, the people involved, or the relationship between the individuals, the scenario is familiar to all of us: Person A and/or Person B react in a negative way to something that was said or done, and both Person A and/or Person B sweep their feelings under the proverbial rug avoiding any further discussion.

My personal experience has been that, outside of long-term romantic relationships, this is the prevailing way that humans deal with what we perceive to be, negative emotions. When uncomfortable conversations arise, most people are afraid to call it out, ask questions, or let the other person know how it made them feel. If they do have the courage to say something it can often be expressed in a mode of defense or even retaliation.

At its core, the act of avoiding difficult conversations stems from fear—of which there are many manifestations. It could be the fear of attracting attention or embarrassment, especially if you are talking to someone in a public place; the fear of not being understood, the fear of rejection, disapproval or punishment, the fear of being mocked or ridiculed, or even fear of a violent reaction.

Some of these fears are certainly justified, as humans are arguably an emotionally immature species—a broad statement worthy of a book, not a blog post—so I will summarize with an example; if you are unfamiliar with the person whom you are in discussion with, you have no idea how they will react; and that, no doubt, can be a bit scary.

However, the consequences of repeatedly avoiding difficult conversations can be significant. Not only do we lose the opportunity to deepen our understanding of others, but we repress our vitality and our life energy. Our truth, our intuition, our feelings, and our impulses cannot be expressed; our stories cannot be told. We miss out on the important emotional learning and acuity that develops.

Depending on the frequency and severity, these repressed feelings can turn into irritation, aggression, rage, and violence. If pent up emotions have no external outlet a person may turn it inwards on themselves resulting in things like self-loathing or self-denigration, and in extreme cases illness.

WOMAN IN SADNESS | ART BY NANNE TIGGELMAN

So, let’s go back to the story I illustrated earlier. What if, instead of changing the subject when our friend becomes judgmental and negative, we opened ourselves up to the richness of our friend’s emotionality. What if we pause for a moment, take a deep mindful breath, and focus on our heart center. Quite often, when someone expresses themselves from a place of fear, it has nothing to do with us. Instead of allowing your own fear to take over, listen to what they are saying; take it in; hold space for that person to be in whatever state they are in? Trust that this situation and this moment was placed in front of you for a reason.

You might ask them, “I am sensing you might be struggling. Did something I say upset you or make you uncomfortable?” Don’t worry about getting the question right; it just needs to come from a place of genuine interest. While you are listening to your friend, become aware of what emotion that person is feeling and why. Ask yourself if you have ever felt this way before and what the circumstances were. Dig deep and try to sympathize with their situation. Maybe a project of their own failed, and your story reminds them of their perceived failure. Maybe they are having a difficult day and feeling insecure.

Perhaps, your friend is mirroring something back to you that you need to work on. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THAT; and if you GENUINELY feel that they are blaming you for something you did not do, or they misunderstood, don’t interrupt them until they are done. Listen. Feel. Give yourself up to the richness of your own emotionality. What is coming up for you? Name it. Risk being present in the uncomfortableness. Risk being sympathetic. Risk being there for yourself, and your friend so that you may dissolve the boundaries of the ego that would otherwise keep you apart.

There will be those who won’t have the emotional maturity to join you on this path. They may ridicule you or mock you, or even leave the room in an attempt to end the discussion. They will not be able to give you the space to be heard in return, nor be able to recognize when they need to create that space for you, as you have done for them. Sadly, some relationships may dissolve as you become aware of the imbalance, and a continued lack of mutual support. I will come back to “setting boundaries” in another message.

Krista Tippett said in her book Becoming Wise, “I have yet to meet a wise person who doesn’t know how to find some joy even in the midst of what is hard, and to smile and laugh easily, including at oneself.” Allowing yourself to surrender to your own emotional depth will ultimately lead you to experience deep emotional purification, and new levels of connection and joy. As your emotional acuity develops you will get better at reading emotional responses in others; and subsequently know exactly what kind of response other people need during those difficult conversations.

AFFIRMATION: I am ready to communicate clearly what I feel. I let go of all negativity and fear that holds me back from expressing my vitality, my impulses, and my life energy.

LANDSCAPE OF FLOWERS | ART BY NANNE TIGGELMAN

All of the written content for Nuith|NewEarth comes directly from the consciousness of humans, and mostly from the consciousness of Celia Alida Rutte. No artificial intelligence has been employed to write these messages. The writers work and creative struggle was real. Credit to the author noted above is deserved and greatly appreciated.